Guitar String Theory

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Seeing someone with immense talent can be either daunting or inspirational. Last evening I was watching a friend play the guitar. I had heard that he was 'good'; in fact, he was phenomenal. About 10% of my soul spent the evening rummaging around for a Bic lighter so I could torch my guitar. The remaining 90% of me was thinking 'ho-lee-she-it', I want to be just like him'.

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I was inspired, no question, but then I started to wonder if I have the raw talent to play like he did. The jury is deliberating, and will be for some time. Like you, I have a brain and ten fingers, unless you happen to be Ken Appleby, in which case we only have the ten fingers in common. My ten fingers should work together in harmony like the players on a soccer team.

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For the record, the finger that is most valuable to me, the one I give to people in traffic, would be Diego Maradona. The corresponding finger on my left hand, sometimes used for double barrel salutes, would be David Beckham (or Becks, as Posh and I call him). The rest of my fingers would be FIFA players who I couldn't name, or the entire cast of Eight Is Enough, or the Brady bunch sans Alice.

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Sadly my fingers don't work like a team or a perfect family; instead they act like ten pro wrestlers in a fight-to-the-death cage match. They try different moves, contortions and death grips until they find individual success. They break collapsible chairs on each other's heads. Have you ever noticed in pro wrestling how there always seems to be a collapsible chair just outside of the ring? Weird. A lot of strange things happen in wrestling, like how the referee always seems to have his back turned to the evil wrestler who pulls brass knuckles out of his ass. Getting punched in the mouth with brass knuckles isn't nearly as bad as the after taste.

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Is it just me, or do you wonder if wrestling may possibly be fake??

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That's like blasphemy, Ian. If I had a collapsible chair, or even a bar stool (preferably metal), I'd break it over your head.

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There was no question that Sean Driscoll's talent was real. His fingers played my guitar, and a friend's guitar, beautifully. It was incredible to watch.

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My fingers rarely work together in harmony. If they do, it doesn't last for long. Basically, each finger tries to screw/sabotage the other. While one is working smoothly, the others are searching for collapsible chairs. This is also how I type, though I've found that one finger from each hand can peacefully coexist. Having said that, I've been typing for thirty years and I still type like the child that Mavis Beacon gave up for adoption.

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Maybe I need to adopt some better guitar playing habits. Maybe I should take some lessons and learn the basics before I frustrate myself by not being able to play like Mark Knopfler. Mark Knopfler was the lead man in the British band Dire Straits. He wrote the song 'Sultans of Swing'. I'd like to be a Sultan of Swing, though I'd settle for Nabob of Rock.