Saturday, November 28, 2009

The Synergy Of Half Wits

Every town in Canada has a village idiot. Ottawa has Stephen Harper. Fredericton has Shawn Graham. Cambridge-Narrows has Ken Appleby....and Ian Varty.

Ian, how is it that a small village like Cambridge-Narrows, population 635, is 'blessed' with two village idiots, when Ottawa, seemingly, has but one?

I don't know how it came to be, but it's the kind of thing that should put this village on the map. As the two village idiots, Ken and I make a great team. There's synergy. Together we are stronger.

Is this sort of like the whole Wonder Twin power thing?

No, they were freakish shape shifters. Ken and I don't change shapes, we remain as blobs throughout our acts of heroism.

Are you two like the Olsen twins, then?

You mean like media darlings? No, we fly under the radar (but not for long!). The Olsen twins profit from their devious deeds. Ken and I work for free (well, I do). We make this village a better place to live, out of the goodness of our hearts. We are not paid for our benevolence (well, I'm not). I should point out that Ken and I are not really like twins, at least not physically. We're both just incredibly good looking. We were born that way, kind of like Brad Pitt and Rex Murphy, respectively.

So what do the village idiots do?

Mostly we talk about the problems that our village faces. I tend to worry about the abundance of small pebbles along the roadside. They make skateboarding dangerous.

What are you going to do about that?

I'm considering a ban on pulling motor vehicles off the road. The trouble begins when cars pull over onto the gravel and then they come back on the roadway, dragging pebbles with them. I'm looking at putting up some signs which encourage people not to pull over or stop.

Sounds like a great idea. It should solidify our reputation as the drive-thru province. So what's Ken's 'project'?

Ken has a few projects. Mostly he's trying to clean up the village.

Cool. What projects allow you to combine your powerful intelligence?

Funny that you should ask that. We hatched a plan last week that will change this village forever. It's a little too early to divulge the details, let's just say that we're going to clip the wings of some 'high rollers' in the village. Our plan involves a gun! We know exactly how to do it, we're just working out a few minor details.

Sounds like you're taking the law into your own hands, Ian?

I'd prefer if you'd stop calling me by my first name, and show me some respect.

What would you prefer? Nabob? Sultan?

You should call me by my new title...Deputy Varty.

Does this mean that I should be calling Ken 'Sheriff Appleby'?

Yes, and the reason will become clear in a week or two. That's all I can say for now. Look for the full story in a future blog.


  1. What could be going on in Hazzard County?Maybe Sheriff Rosco and Deputy Enos are better suited titles.

  2. I claim the position of Flash, pending more suited applicants. I followed Sheriff Appleby around all summer, and never did what I was told. Sounds just like Roscoe's 'loyal' bloodhound.