Saturday, June 6, 2009

I Swear I'm ____ing Toast

If you look closely at the image above, you'll surely be deeply disturbed. There's something horrible, perhaps even sinister about this photograph. Certainly the disheveled hair is disturbing, but there's nothing that would warrant the use of the word 'evil'. I think that my head pelt looks rather playful, in a Pebbles Flintstone kind of way. I'm just glad that I still have a few hairs. Five years from now there won't be any more Pebbles comparisons as I'll be looking more and more like Mr.Slate with every failing follicle.

Another reason that the Pebbles comparison doesn't work is because I don't have a femur in my hair. It never occurred to me, before now, that Pebbles might be wearing a human bone in her hair. Were the Flintstones cannibals? In hindsight, Fred did look quite plump and the Great Gazoo did disappear from the show rather mysteriously. BamBam had some anger management issues. Hmmm. Oh well, I don't really have a bone to pick with the Flintstones.

So it's not my hair that's disturbing, then it must be the shifty eyes. Are they disturbing to you?Look at those eyes...clearly, I had had some troubling issues on my mind. In fact, I did. My thoughts, however, weren't Jack Nicholson troubled (or evil), though my eyes are pretty much the same as those of Nicholson's deranged character, Jack Torrance, in the movie 'The Shining'.

It's hard to be evil looking when you wear glasses, as I do. Imagine Jack with a pair of glasses...not the same impact.

I guess that if I ever 'decide' to 'snap' (and it will be a conscious decision), I'll have to get contacts. Fortunately I can't wear contacts because my eyes are too dry (not enough crying), so I guess that I'll never be evil. I could go for the laser eye surgery, I suppose.

Please go back to my picture...take one last look.

Can you not see what's deeply disturbing? Okay, I'll tell you. Look at the toast that I'm's not properly toasted (the butter hasn't even melted...oh the humanity!). It's not even close to being toasted. That's because my brand new ____ing toaster oven, that I bought at Sears this week, doesn't toast.

It's a ____ing toaster oven that doesn't ____ing toast!!

Wendy and I have had a toaster oven for about a decade. It toasted a slice of bread to perfection. Tragically our beloved toaster died this week so, after the memorial service, off to Sears I went to buy a replacement. Sears offered many suitable replacements, or so I thought. I found one on sale and the kilt wearing Scot in me couldn't resist. The outside of the box said 'toaster oven'. It never occurred to me that it wouldn't make toast.

In fairness to the manufacturer (Kenmore, who I used to respect), the toaster oven does make toast, sort of. The instructions to "cook bread" (their words) were as follows: preheat the oven for five minutes on high heat, then place slices in oven for three to five minutes. As a leisurologist, I've got time on my side, but I'm not willing to wait eight to ten minutes for a ___ing slice of toast. In that amount of time I could clear cut a forest, grow wheat, harvest it, mill it, make dough, knead it, let it rise and bake it in my regular ___ing oven (which is a Maytag by the way, and not a Kenless).

I'm returning my Kenmore 'toaster' oven to Sears on Monday. I just couldn't take a shining to it.

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