Thursday, July 2, 2009

How To Lose Foes And Alienate Tailgaters

I thought I was being creative/evil when I posted my seven ways to lose a tailgater (Alligator Shoos, June 23). I'm not surprised that fifty percent of my readership (one person) offered other suggestions to ward off unwanted prowlers of the posterior persuasion.

I'll reprint that e-mail, unedited, though no credit will be given in an effort to limit their liability and to keep their sterling reputation untarnished:

"I have used most of the weapons in your tailgating armamentarium, plus one I now will refer to as 'the methanol shower'. This works best if your are doing 50k or over, on a clear sunny day, and with a tailgater whose windows are down. Simply give a long, steady blast of the windshield wiper fluid. Some of it will blow back over your window and onto the car behind. Enjoy the view in the rearview mirror as the jackass behind has to turn his wipers on. If you are really nasty, you can adjust one or both of your wiper nozzles to mostly miss your own windshield and direct the bulk of the spray up and over. Don't forget the second blast once they have cleaned up the first. 'Rinse, and repeat'. Convertibles are my favourite.

I also enjoy 'The Erraticator'. I'm sure you have already used this one, but didn't want to publish it in case there were any 'unfortunate' consequences. With this one, once you find you are being tailgated, you speed up tremendously when there is a clear opportunity for the tailgater to pass, then slow down to way below the limit when there is oncoming traffic to prevent passing."

Wow! I can't believe that I forgot those two. I particularly like using the windshield fluid defence...I tried it yesterday on a mini van that was trying hard to be a hitch-hiker, but it became obvious that I'm going to have to tweak the nozzle heavenward. On the upside, my windshield has never been cleaner.

I'm even more stoked that my blog is attracting highly intelligent and literate individuals who are caring enough to share their ideas with me and my one other reader.


  1. Lord Thunderin' Jesus Man....give me a break!

    I could not help but respond to your Blog as you present yourself as a Verbose, Noncomformist who has too much time on their hands to write such drivel!

    Your probably some kind of ne'er-do-well who masterbates all day and wonders what might of come of it.... (no pun intended)?

    Find something worth writing about such as the trouble on the Korean Peninsula with that crazy bastard, Kim Jong-il or the State of the American Economy!

    Broaden your horizons, get out of the House and focus on reality other than spewing insular commentary on your apparent colloquial vortex of rural life.


  2. I appreciate your comments, Mike, though you really should speak to subjects with which you're more intimately familiar. You briefly touched on one, as you are wont to do, in paragraph three. Now that's a topic that you've got a handle on.