Tuesday, July 7, 2009

What Did You Expect For A Hundred Dollars?


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Every now and again I have a good idea. It's even more rare when I have a great idea, one that's acknowledged by others as being above and beyond. Once a decade I have an epiphany. Yesterday was that kind of a day.
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An epiphany can mean a number of things to a number of people. Some people see it as an appearance or manifestation of a deity. I can't remember if I saw my reflection yesterday or not, which reminds me, I should clean the bathroom mirror. Some chatterbox was brushing his (or her) teeth while talking (or singing).
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No, my epiphany fell under the following definition:
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a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.
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A homely experience, what's that? Finding a date in the Oromocto Mall, perhaps. I can't think of much else that falls under that literary phylum. I'm more concerned with my intuitive perception regarding a commonplace occurrence: work.
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Yesterday morning my phone rang, so I did the logical thing, I checked call display. At first I was disappointed. I miss telemarketers, they just don't seem to call anymore, with the exception of Michael (the bank card bastard). It wasn't Michael, it was actually someone I know and like. He needed some photography help and offered to pay me by the hour or by the job.
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Conundrum.
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Accepting money on a per hour basis smells like work, and my spider senses started tingling. Wait! It wasn't my spider senses after all, it was that mosquito bite on my rather private place (how she got there I may never know...that she got out is nothing short of a modern day miracle). We decided that I would be paid for the job. I justified the 'work' by treating the pay like an honorarium, which allowed me to feel that I was working for free. When I'm finally paid, I act surprised.
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Oh, you shouldn't have!
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My hand goes out, while simultaneously, a loud noise is heard from my backside. It's not what you think, though I understand your confusion. Yes, I have been eating a lot of baked beans on the hundred mile diet and they are, indeed, the musical fruit. In fact, it's my Scottish wallet, squealing at the thought of more sporran fodder.
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Or is it the sound of a mosquito exhaling?
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Being given an honorarium for my photographic and computer skills yesterday gave me my epiphany...
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People are willing to pay me for my talent/services.
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I am apparently marketable and I'm going to tell the whole world, but only after an elaborate round of test marketing. In the August issue of the Jemseg Lions News, an ad will appear. It's the culmination of my brain fart. The ad will read as follows:
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For Hire: Man
$100/day
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Hire Ian Varty for the same
amount of money that he made
as a substitute teacher.
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No job is too big or too small.*
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Eight hours per day, only $100 (paid
in cash, in an envelope, with the word
'honorarium' written on the outside.
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Call 488-2269 to speak to my
assistant, Karlheinz. (sorry,
District 17 need not apply).
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* note: some restrictions apply
regarding male prostitution and
other illegal acts in which there's
a chance that I might get caught.
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My next epiphany will be sometime around 2019 when I get out of jail for tax evasion (but it was a tax-free honorarium, your honor). Feel free to drop by my cell. If I'm not there, just leave a note with my cell-mate. His name is Brian.

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