Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Hindsight Is Plenty Plenty

Do these pants make my ass look small? That's like asking if my full body tattoo makes me look like a Sunday school teacher. This question rarely gets asked. It's always, always, always phrased as 'do these pants make my ass look big'? The answer to this question is one that men have been struggling with for decades and it has turned many an honest man into a hyperopic liar.

There are, after all, only two answers to this question:

1) The first reply, most commonly uttered, is 'no, not at all', at which point the devil enters the room, wags his finger at you, offers you some Doritos, and collects your soul.

2) The second answer, rarely spoken, is the truth... 'yes, they do make your ass look big, in fact a barn door could pass through you with ease. You then pack up your clothes, grab a bag of ass fattening Doritos, and go out to the backyard. You explain to Fido what you've just done, and that he's going to have to skoosh over a bit to make room for you in the dog house. Fido wags his tail, then you snuggle up and share the Doritos. I'm joking, Doritos are not fit for a dog.

Have you noticed that there are two types of people that ask this asinine question? There's women with a sense of humour, and then there's women with no sense of humour. Rarely does anyone with a giant pumpkin of an ass ask this question. That's like me saying 'do these flood pants make me look tall'? It's usually the borderline cases that ask the question. I hate it when someone with no ass asks if their pants make their butt look big. These people should be spanked, if only that was an option.

Shifting gears for a moment (from reverse to forward, I'd say), you might wonder why a leisurologist was sporting the wardrobe of the working class...coveralls. The simple answer is because I'm fifty percent Scottish and one hundred percent cheap. The insulators were arriving yesterday and I had to remove some old insulation from the basement. I could have hired someone to do this unpleasant task, but that would turn this frog of a man into too much of a princess. Once in a while I get this urge to be a man, so I dress up in work clothes and pretend.

Speaking of frogs and prince(ss)es, do you remember the rock band KISS? Unfortunately, my wireless keyboard doesn't allow for a lightning bolt S (or two), clearly an oversight by the designers at Logitech. Here's what it should look like...

KISS sang the following words in 1979:

"I was made for lovin' you baby."

Thirty years later they're touring like crazy, and they're still made for lovin' you baby, though 'baby' is probably a grandmother by now. If you care to, and I don't know why you would, you can check out Kiss's impressive touring schedule if you scroll down on the link. If nothing else, it's fun to watch the changing image at the top of their web page. In every picture, Gene Simmons has his ample tongue sticking out, or he's choking on a piece of raw pork tenderloin (wishful thinking).

Is it just me, or would it be unsettling to hang out with a guy who's always got his tongue on display? I'd give Gene a spanking if I wasn't so terrified of a retaliatory tongue lashing.

It must have been nice for Gene Simmons and company to know what they were made for, because I have no idea what I'm made for. I know what I'm not made for...I'm not made for cleaning old insulation out of crawl spaces. When you're 6'3" you don't function well in a crawl space that's 3'6". It's a miracle that I got my butt (4'2") in and out of there in one piece. Of course, I didn't.

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