My Goal: To Neti Pot You

I don't really care how it's spelled...netty, nettie, neti pot, it's irrelevant. I only know that I want to neti pot you...it's for your own good.

My wife uses a neti pot to flush out her sinuses. She says that it's good for business. You might wonder what business could profit from the insertion of what looks to be a poorly made dollar store teapot; she's an opera singer and the neti pot is a tool of the trade. Apparently a lot of warblers neti pot regularly.

Wendy fills the neti pot with a saline solution, cranks her head to one side while precariously contorting over the sink, then jams the spout up her nose and serves tea. I think that it's a bit gross, not that I'm squeamish or a prude (okay, I'm a prude). Unlike the illustration above, which I stole from the internet because I'm currently in Fredericton and unable to access my library of images, the saline flows in one nostril, through the sinuses, and out the other nostril.

The idea is that it keeps your sinuses clean, and it clears the nasal cavity of would-be pathogens. I'd ask my wife to comment on the effectiveness of the neti pot, but she's just getting over a cold and needs to sleep in. Needless to say, I'm skeptical regarding the neti pots' magical powers. I've lived through echinacea (the miracle preventative healing plant), and Cold-fX (it's clinically proven, to do what, I do not know). Now it's the age of neti. I can't wait for pyramid power to come back.

Have a nice time in Egypt Wendy, I'll just stay at home admiring my copper bracelets, eating raw garlic (and wondering why I have no friends), and washing it down with a steaming bowl of chicken soup.

I'd be paranoid about colds if I were an opera singer. Bill Gates can craft a brilliantly buggy operating system with a runny nose (Vista, in case you've been living on Pluto), but you can't ride with the Valkyries when you're a mouth breather.

So....with all this skepticism regarding the neti pot, why is it my goal to neti pot you? That's simple, because it's fun and easy. You see, I don't travel with a neti pot and you probably don't own one, so I try to do it creatively. I like to work with what I've got. When socializing with friends and family, I'm always hyper-attentive. When I'm telling a story with a kicker of a punchline, I often try to drop the bomb while you're taking a drink. It's an evil thing to do, but love me as I am. I'm not going to change. I savour the sight of liquids flying out of your nose. I'm sick, but you won't be, at least not if you're drinking salt water cocktails.

I've neti potted my son twice. One time I managed to get hot chocolate coming back through his nostrils...that was my crowning moment as a professional neti potter. Last evening I almost neti potted a friend. She's one of those people who loves to laugh. She goes by the name of Kitts. To my knowledge she doesn't have a first name, but if she did, it wouldn't be Colleen. I didn't manage to neti pot her, though she did have to chortle her tea back into the mug. It's not a true neti pot until the Nile runs out your nasal culverts. Next time!

So, my friends, if I ever invite you out for a drink, don't accept my invitation. If you come over for supper and I'm serving stew, just assume that I'm taking my game to a whole new level. Chew carefully and thoroughly, don't make eye contact, wear ear plugs.

And please, don't be foolish enough to think that you can neti pot me. I'll give a crisp hundred dollar bill to the first person who can clean my sinuses.