Headline News: Surfing Is Not A Crime!

I can just imagine the call to 911:

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"There's someone in the river! I think that he jumped off the Westmorland Street bridge, or maybe fell out of a canoe!! I just saw him clinging to a thin piece of ice, flailing his arms in what looked to be a front crawl motion. The ice that he was clinging to is white and looks to be about six feet long. It's pointy at one end and has three small fin-line thingies at the other end."

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I doubt the call ended there.

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"You'd better get the rescue boat, or a Sea King helicopter to pluck him from the river. It looked to me like he was wearing a black suit, leather mittens and ankle high boots, though it was hard for me to tell as I was washing down hash brownies with magic mushroom tea while going over my lottery ticket numbers in my Pontiac Acadian while driving to the north side."

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"Will I get a reward for saving this person's life?"

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Yes, you'll be stripped naked and publicly flogged in front of City Hall by Brad Woodside himself, then you'll be fed apple fritters and set ablaze. On a cheerier note, you'll get your picture on the cover of the Daily Gleaner.

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Yesterday morning, while staying at my parents' home, I happened to glance at the Daily Gleaner.

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Mistake number one.

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You'll remember that this is the very same newspaper that encourages its readership to sell their eight, ten and twelve foot sections of eavesdropping in the classified section. On the cover of the Gleaner was a picture of a man paddling a surfboard with a bright orange Zodiacesque rigid hulled inflatable boat shadowing him. The boat was emblazoned with generous letters on its side. They were arranged to spell Public Safety Marine Unit #819. The look on the surfer's face said 'I'm going to kick someone's ass for this'. I don't blame him, in fact, I'll throw a few punches myself.

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The poor bugger put his wetsuit on and took his surfboard for a paddle in the St.John River. He was simply trying to train his muscles for an upcoming surfing trip to California. Wearing a full wetsuit, mitts and booties, he was no threat to anyone, least of all himself.

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The article in the Gleaner stated that the unnamed surfer was met onshore by the Royal Fredericton Unmounted Police who encouraged him to call them first before trying any stunts like that in the future.

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Ian, you usually pee while standing up, right? Why don't you try peeing sitting down for a change. I know, I know...it's not the norm for you, or any man in the greater Fredericton area, that's why I'm suggesting that you call the Fredericton Police before you do it.

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It's worth reading some of the fifteen comments that people posted regarding this defining moment in Fredericton's water wed history. It's enlightening to see others' reaction to this surfer's blatant disregard for the myopic Fredericton public, with whom he shares the river. I'd suggest that he buys an industrial sized tube of Compound W and wax his board with it. It's not as good as surf wax, but it might alleviate the discomfort caused by worry warts.