You Don't Look Like A Richard

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The alarm was set for seven eh em. Rather than waking to the sound of an irate buzzer at such an uncivilized hour, I set the alarm to 'radio' the night before. There's nothing more 'invigorating' than starting your morning with a healthy dose of the CBC news. I love CBC but, honestly, I hate the news.

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I gave up watching television four years ago because I couldn't stand the way that the news made me feel. Sorry Mr.Mansbridge, I love you and I miss you but I just couldn't take the content. Steve Murphy and the (almost) Live At Five crew? No tears were shed in bidding them adieu because I never watched them anyway. I'm amazed that anyone does, quite frankly.

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When my radio alarm finally massaged my brain into consciousness, I was greeted by the headline news. It was so incredibly moving and memorable that I've now forgotten, an hour and a half later, what they were talking about. When the news broadcast ended, my wife turned to me and said "well, that was pretty boring."

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"Were you hoping for a train wreck?", I replied. If you read my blog about Stewiacke, you know that's what I was secretly hoping for, though I would have settled for a story about the bankruptcy of Tim Horton's. I'd take great joy in hearing that the high cost of nicotine made their coffee no longer profitable. Nicotine in Tim's coffee? You've got to be joking. I'm not joking when I say that people are suggesting that, though it is patently untrue that Tim's spikes their coffee with anything more potent than refined sugar, artery clogging cream or 10W30. The fatwa continues.

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The only thing that I remembered from this morning's news broadcast was that Richard (Dick) Cheney was badmouthing President Obama for his indecision on the future of American troops in Afghanistan. Apparently Obama has been slow to decide what course of action is appropriate. Good for him! It's a complicated issue that can't be resolved overnight. Richard (Dick) Cheney seems to be a little trigger happy if you ask me. His track record on the Iraq invasion is hardly confidence building either. So far 4351 American soldiers have died in Iraq, over 30 000 have been wounded. This for a war that was founded on misinformation.

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I think that Richard (Dick) Cheney should shut his big fat mouth. In all fairness, he's entitled to his opinion, just like I am. I just wish that he'd share it with people who care to hear his thoughts. Clearly, I am not one of them. He lost his credibility a long time ago.

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I have a friend who often does freelance work for CBC. Her name is Colleen Kitts and she's wonderfully talented, incredibly funny and just plain middle-aged brilliant. I like everything about Colleen, but if I could change only one thing about her, it would be her name. She simply doesn't look like a Colleen. I'm not sure what name I'd give her, certainly not Farrah or Britney. Maybe Cleopatra? Hmmm. Cleopatra Kitts?? I like it (!!), though I might be tempted to spell it Kleopatra Kitts, for radio effect.

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It's funny how some people look like their names. I was hoping that perhaps, this morning, I might have heard one of Kleopatra Kitts' human interest stories on the radio. That would have been refreshing. Instead all I heard about was Richard (Dick) Cheney. To his credit, he looks like his name.