Man, I Feel Like A Woman

I wanted to look at the pictures that my brother just took of me, but he insisted that we needed a soundtrack before we could properly enjoy them. Ten seconds later, after a few deft keystrokes on his iMac, we were listening to Shania Twain belting out 'Man, I Feel Like A Woman'. One image after another, of my transformation, faded in and out on the iMac's radiant screen. I was torn between watching my own colourful face, and the faces of my two nieces who took such delight in tarting me up.

The fact that I said tarting me up is no accident. I've always had an opinion on make-up, at least when it comes to women wearing it. I'm not a huge fan of it, at least not when it's applied by a trowel or a make-up shotgun. Perhaps I should just mind my own business because, as a man, it is none of my business. Who am I to suggest the appropriate lengths any woman should go to make herself feel more attractive?

I suppose a woman should do whatever she wants because that's what I do, but just as I might offer interpretive commentary while looking at the paintings in a gallery, I just can't help but speak my mind when I see make-up gone wrong. I like make-up when used as a decorative accent, say a little blush to cheer up the cheeks. I think the blush being applied to my cheeks, in the images above, made me seem just a little more happy, though it's unlikely I'll find eternal happiness at the Mac cosmetic counter. Sometimes a walk outdoors on a frosty autumn morning will deliver the same results.

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Women in Vermont, if I could make a sweeping generalization, don't seem to wear much make-up. I guess they just go for walks on frosty autumn mornings, or stick their heads out of their Volvos while driving through the verdantly green countryside. I can't say that I noticed a lot of women wearing scads of make-up in New York City during my recent visit, at least no more than I had applied to my own face. The blush certainly worked for me. The lipstick was not too over-the-top, effectively drawing the eye to my lips and away from my Jaggeresque cheek folds. Did you notice Aerosmith's Steven Tyler next to Mick? At least I think it was Steven Tyler, or was it daughter Liv? The gender bending lipstick threw me off.

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The lead singer of the band Green Day, Billie Joe Armstrong, chooses to wear mascara, and it accentuates his eyes rather well, in the manner popularized by the Olsen twins. Take a good look at the Olsen twins. One of them has lipstick on that's too Liz Taylor for my tastes. The other one has wall flower lips that fly under the fashion radar. I'd suggest something in between.

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Wait a minute Ian, are you suggesting that more make-up is needed for the twin on the right?

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Indeed, I am.

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What makes you qualified to offer advice on cosmetics?

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Well, now that I've worn make-up I feel like I have something to offer to the woman on the street.

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Is this what they mean when they say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing?

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Textbook.