Sunday, December 27, 2009

Wat Te Ell Appened Ere?

Whendy likes to read the Globe & Mail so whe often whander along to Jemseg to buy it. Of course they sell more than just newspapers in Jemseg, they also have whreaths available. I whonder whhat else whe might find if whe whent shopping there. Perhaps a whelcome mat on the floor.

Oh, it must be nice to be perfect, Ian?

I'd be the first to admit that I make a lot of spelling mistakes, but I make a valiant effort to avoid them. I like to proof reed my righting once oar sum thyme twice. I use as a reference when I can't spell a word. I also use the spell checker on Blogger. You might be amazed at how often I make spelling mistakes, even with the help of the latest technology.

I wouldn't be amazed, because I know you're a wheenie.

I'm sympathetic toward anyone of another language who tries to learn Hinglish. What a botched and butchered batch of bumbled, dastardly bastardly letters we've brought together to call our own.

There, there Ian. Or is it they're, they're Ian? Or their, their Ian?

English is a mess. Why does wreath start with a double you? That's just plain knuts. No wonder the French want to keep their language! Can you blame them? French is full of sexiness. A house, la maison, is feminine. A big house, le ch√Ęteau, is masculine. Okay, French is messed up too, but it's undeniably sexy.

While we're on the topic of French and English, how come French people can't say the letter 'h' in English when they need, yet can say it when they don't...i.e. I played ockey on the hice.

Ian, are you trying to anger the French?

No, I love all languages. They're part of our global culture and I embrace them all with open harms. When the guy from Dell computers, headquartered in New Delhi, calls me Mr.Warty, I don't recoil or try to correct him because his first language doesn't pronounce the vee sound. When the guy from Capital One Mastercard asks to speak to Mr.Warty, I say "Mr.Warty speaking", then try to give him the slip as quickly as possible.

I actually like being called Mr.Warty. Besides, what else could he call me?

I have a list of thirty seven put-downs he could use...want to hear them?

You'd better shut up, or you'll suffer my whreath, wrath. Or, as the British say, roth. Ah, the English language....isn't it grond? In keeping with today's theme of botching the language, I present you this, a scene from my favourite Christmas movie.

Happy hoe ho!


  1. A new category is required: brilliant.

  2. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"