Jeers For Skiers

This morning's blog was inspired by one of my biggest fans, literally. Towering above me at 6' 5", and tipping the beleaguered scales at a Jaredesque 255 pounds, it's one of my big brothers. I have two big brothers; the one who I just mentioned, and the even bigger one!

I feel like a malnourished Viking when I'm in the presence of my two battleship brothers. As the baby of the family, it's little wonder that my growth was stunted. By the time my brothers picked the carcass clean, there wasn't much left for 'the baby'. As an adult, my stats are a paltry 6'3"of height and a meagre 190 lbs of mass (mostly gut). I'm not big enough for the NBA or NFL. I couldn't cut it in the WNBA or even on a Brazilian women's beach volleyball team (though I've offered to coach!). It hasn't been easy for me, living life as a dwarf in the shadow of giants.

When I was little I didn't get much respect from my brothers. As they were six and eight years older than me, they saw me as nothing more than a nuisance. I was the tag in their shirt that rubbed them the wrong way. I was the buzzing gnat trying to feed off them; too small to be seen, but annoying nevertheless. I made a good foot rest, not much more.

I never got much respect from them until I turned sixteen and got my FAC (Firearms Acquisition Certificate). It's amazing how a twenty gauge shotgun will get you respect. Of course I'm kidding. I still wasn't respected, even as I tried to be a marauding Viking. I knew I should have bought a battle axe instead of the rifle. The first time I went deer hunting, by myself, and returned with a deer on the car, my brother laughed and nicknamed the deer 'Bambi'. To this day I still feel sick that I shot a deer, and I can still see my smirking brother standing there shaking his head.

I'll never be as big as my big brothers, but fortunately I'm more intelligent than they are, so I can get my revenge through other channels. My little big brother, he of 255 pounds, as opposed to the one who tips the scales in the threes, is now an avid reader of my blog. I can think of no better payback than to waste ten minutes of his day. Even better, he's now offering me feedback on the blog. The blog has truly become a family affair.

I received an e-mail from him this morning. It was in reference to my 'Ah, Look At All The Lonely People' blog. Here's what he wrote:

"I asked Dad at supper if he worried that your isolation would make you go crazy. Your blog answered the question. For the record, Dad thought you would remain sane indefinitely."

My father is the voice of reason in our family. He's a true Englishman. I think the Viking blood came from my mother's side. As a Scottish woman, there can be no doubt that the Viking longboats entered the harbour of her ancestors, so to speak.

The Vikings have given society many things; Ikea, Volvo, Saab and Abba. You can see the appeal? Well, three out of four ain't bad. I'm not so sure that the Vikings were musical. To prove my point, I'll share a song that my brother has rewritten for me. I think that he's looking for another scintillating youtube performance. I may or may not record it, though the somewhat familiar lyrics are appealing. Here's what he wrote, to be sung to the tune of Mad World by Tears For Fears:

All around me un-familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their beers are filling up their glasses
No recession, no recession
Ride my Burton till I drown my sorrow
Snow tomorrow! Snow tomorrow!

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm boarding
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people ski in circles
It's a very, very Sad World

I'm just waiting for the place I feel good
Poley Mountain, Poley Mountain
Makes me feel the way that every dude would
Cold and cranky, cold and cranky
Went to Sussex and was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello ski-school tell me what's my lesson
Goofy footing, goofy footing

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm boarding
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people ski in circles
It's a very, very Sad World.