Advice On Dating (for men)

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They're called whistlers by the local hunters because their wings make a whistling noise as they fly past. It's not a lyrical whistle, like you might expect from a septet of working dwarfs. It sounds more like a wheezing kettle on a uniformly bumpy road. Surely you've made tea while driving the backroads of your parish?

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Whistlers are more properly referred to as goldeneyes. Goldeneyes have been around for centuries, pre-dating even Pierce Brosnan (but not Sean Connery). They are an important part of our natural world. So when I type 'goldeneye' into the search engine, the googlebot tells me that goldeneye is:

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1) a movie starring (surprise, surprise) Pierce Brosnan. My previous reference to Pierce was no accident...more in a moment.

2) a video game (related to the movie but not duck hunting, no doubt)

3) a powerful internet spy tool

4) a resort in Jamaica man

5) a wine.

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Hello googlebot.....it's a duck! It's a duck with smooth moves...it's a lady charmer, not unlike Pierce. If I could be frank, or James, for just a brief moment, I've never bought in to Mr.Brosnan as 007. I just couldn't shake the rust off my Remington Steele. Okay, now I'll put 007 to bed (as many have done before me).

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So the goldeneyes have a strange courtship ritual to which I bore witness this morning. There always seems to be more males than females which, as we know from our days as club-goers, can lead to some pretty crazy confrontations. It's not like two ducks are going out in the back alley to duke it out....they settle the score on the dance floor. The males thrust their heads backwards, their mane of feathers blowing in seduction's competitive winds. Their pecs... pumped to the sky. It's very reminiscent of Saturday Night Fever, for those of you unfortunate enough to remember Captain Johnny T.'s dance scene.

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So where's the advice on dating, you ask?

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Do you really think that ducks could teach us anything about dating?

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Get a life (and once you do, take dance lessons).

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Notes on the three male ducks in the picture: the one closest to the female went right up to her and started quacking her up about mindless stuff (the different characteristics of sub-Arctic grasses used in nest building, etc...boring, hello?). The middle male duck just started busting moves all over the lake. The last duck, the wall flower, just hung back and played it cool.

Which duck do you think finally got the female's attention?

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What?! No time to answer my question? Oh, I understand, you're late for dance class.